避风塘: Typhoon Shelter

避风塘 literally means typhoon shelter, metaphorically is a hiding or recuperating place for a person and it's usually their parent's home. It does not matter what challenges you are facing, once you return to this shelter, you are supposed to be welcome. You can rest as long as you need. You would be showered with love and care. I used to have this shelter but it is no longer there. Been hesitating awhile before I called a relative up. Even though her mouth says she regards me as a family member but I did not feel it at all. She already mentioned about money matter and other conditions for staying with her family. I used to think she was the second person in this world who loved me unconditionally. Between her child's nonsense and jealousy and me, she had to pick her daughter. I do not blame her. Blame it on my unfortunate fate. Yet it's still hurt and brings back emotion when asking her for help. I will stay strong to get through all the obstacles. The desire for establishing a family of my own conflicts with my fear of attachment and life challenges. It ain't easy to get to where I am today.

The Spider

There was a spider failed to make its web eight times. He successfully created a web at the ninth time. I almost lost my motivation to do anything. I have been trying so hard and accept failure yet the reality is harsh. I realized this spider story I once read. It gives me a bit of strength to recover. Had only 2 hours of sleep but thankful that I have a gigantic appetite like I can swallow the entire Atlantic Ocean. As long as there is something that keep me moving, I am thankful. I feel great that I do not have a headache, a sickness, or any bodily discomfort as I have lost my desire to travel temporarily. A friend whom I asked to accompany me on a "cure/motivation restoration" trip literally extinguish my travel desire. After deep reflection, I should not have hoped this friend who is notoriously known for his undermine motive to encourage me. It was my mistake. It was the fact that I am tired of traveling alone, have to be in a high alert state at all time. Feeling stuck in the water for awhile and this friend is like a float yet you need to know how to use it properly or it will ends up do more harm than good. The good thing of being in the water for some time is that I have learned treading. Exhausted, lonely, hopeless but understand this is temporarily and will end. When? I hope soon but meanwhile I will keep treading water, a skill I soon will advance.

 

Hello

Today, I happened to decide to write a blog. Hopefully this will become a good and long lasting habit. So many thoughts. Don't know where to begin. No one understands.Let it be today is the beginning of my blog as a chick has just hatched out from an egg. Let's see how big it will grow. I will name it Chi Chi.